So this last stretch was fairly uneventful.

I had the same sweet babies, small but fairly healthy.

The only excitement was the one twin who was from a donor egg and seperate surrogate mom.

I don't know if I personally could go through all that hassle to "make" a baby that I didn't carry and that wasn't genitically mine when there are so many motherless babies in the world.

I don't judge...they are very sweet girls and will be very much loved.

My first patient I had when I was orientating went home. I don't know if that means I've been there a long time or if she had :). She was nearing four months when she finaaly was able to drink her milk and breathe at the same time.

I guess that's what happens when you are born at 25 weeks...

at home.

15 min of chest compression in the ambulance.

Then they take you to the wrong hospital.

2 failed intubations.

numberous failed IVs while the neo rushed over from the other hospital.

I guess your angels were working overtime because you not only survived you thrived.

After trying one more time to die and being saved by our nurses.

I hope you have a good life and realize that this world isn't that bad of a place.

You have a mommy and daddy who love you and even a couple siblings.

Meanwhile poor baby S still has no parents. One of the nurses wants to adopt him, but she's not even married yet..it might be slightly shocking for her fiance.

I think it's really hard in NICU not to get personally invloved...there is a lot of bonding that occurs. It's always obvious which nurses fall for which babies.

So far I've played it safe.

I pick healthy ones.

Some are so heartbreaking.

Posting Pictures

Most of us nurses, especially in NICU try to take time for the little things. We take pictures to show moms who are to sick to see their babies right away, or for moms to see when they pump at home. We post a picture or two at the best side of big moments, a first bottle, joining the 1 kilo club...

Occasionally though a baby will have multiple pictures at the bedside.

I was noticing this last night while feeding one of my babes. I thought:

"wow I wonder if parents see that kids many pictures and wonder why their child doesn't have the same treatment?"

Then it occurred to me.

The only times I've seen multiple picture at a child's bedside is a baby the nurses feel badly for. The babies that the nurses don't know what else they can do so we "adopt" these wee ones into our hearts and proudly display pictures as if they were our own.

It is the little boy whose Brain scans show extensive brain damage and a 90% likelihood of cerebral palsy.

The itsy bitsy girl who cries like a squeaky little mouse, who was born so small because her twin brother received all the nutrients, and who now has no chance of catching up as she pukes and retches with every feed for no reason.

Most recently it is the little boy whose was sectioned for a low heart rate that just got lower and lower and was 0 at 1 min of age and at 5 and at 10 yet miraculously survived....to be abandoned by his parents who don't want a baby with possible brain damage.

These are the babies with multiple pictures at their bedside,not necessarily something to be envied. It seems to be a way of helping nurses cope with the kids they feel helpless to help.

How it all began...

I set out not necessarily to like NICU, I wanted a quiet corner of nights where my only responsibility was feed and grow babies. The 8 hr shifts worked better for me as a mom and I wanted to take an easy path.

I learned very quickly there is nothing easy about the NICU. While I only work at a Level II there is still plenty of delicate babies requiring exquisite care. The more I learn about these babies and their families the more my heart is called to make this my home for now. 

I love that my job is taking care of these tiny infants, and not so tiny, not replacing their mothers, but being there while they cannot. In a perfect world mother's would never be separated from their newborns but as we all know this world is only alive in that lingering spot between sleep and sunrise. 

I work nights, not to avoid parents but because it works for my family and I find I can focus on my work better without the chaos that ofter accompanies days. I had considered evenings at one point but have been warned multiple time to avoid the shift of "nurses who eat their young" I just wish in some way I could communicate to these nurses that while my education was clearly different than theirs that the heart of nursing beats in all of us,

I am excited to see where this journey takes me. I hope to learn lots and I am already realizing that the world of NICU has crept into a special place in my heart. Despite the difficulty of learning new things I am excited to care for these wee ones who have been entrusted into my care. 

So for now I set, I learned, I loved, I work, I am...that about says it all for now.